I tried to write a poem about my Guardian Angel being angry at me but when I asked him for help he said nothing. He was real mad, silent mad, so mad he wouldn’t vocalise it. I understand, I’m not a very good human often so I can’t blame him.

The poem went something like this:

“It’s funny, this back and forth we have. Today I’m mad at you and tomorrow you’re mad at me. Good old fashioned relationship dynamics at play.

I don’t like to dwell on the fact that I’m always the one at fault….”

And then I had nothing else to write because every time I turned to my right he was looking at me with a face that said, “Are you being serious right now?”

I actually was. It was my way of trying to lighten the mood when all I should have said was sorry. I don’t imagine – no. I know having to watch me is hectic. I am tired of me, I wouldn’t expect any thing less.

But Guardian Angel, I just gotta say, I’m really grateful I have you. Life would be magnificently chaotic without you.

Kassy_Lu

Whispers

Some days the silence is so heavy, palpable, portent, enough to be cut through with a knife. I sit in it, wondering if it would shatter like glass if I screamed.

Other days, on the days I want it the most, the silence gives way to whispers. Little rustles that seem to never stop. Thoughts in my head that speak to each other, have a good laugh and turn to me to share their findings.

I wonder what that looks like to you. Does it distract you from your watching over me? I wonder if it distracts you when it’s time to fight the darkness that flies at me from time to time.

I imagine the pointy end of your sword sticking in the ground in between your sandaled feet, your forearm resting on it, ready to strike at any moment and that makes me feel good, I feel safe.

But I can’t help wondering, if you stabbed into my silence, would it abate?

Kassy_Lu

Another place

Whenever I closed my eyes all I saw was you. Your smile and how your eyes close almost completely when you laugh. I could hear your laugh, an almost non-committal sound like you never thought that it was serious enough for real laughter.

I never allowed myself to look into the future and see myself without you. Funny, because you seemed to manage that just fine. And every time I told you about future plans, you smiled your lazy smile and figured I’d find out eventually that you didn’t feel like those plans fit you well.

And then you walked away and I felt like I’d never stand again. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball or burn down your house, no in between. I think about that and I laugh.

It was good to see you today. It was good to see you and not feel any anger or sadness. I was happy to see you happy. It was good to see you and not feel like I lost you, to no longer feels like something was missing.

Maybe in another time we worked out. Maybe our futures aligned and made sense in a weird way, the way the sounds of violins in rock music do. Maybe in another place you were my everything.

But I don’t think I’d like that place very much.

Kassy_Lu

Shaky Ground

The world is constantly spinning, turning night into day and day into night. But lately it’s been shaking too, growing steadily, gradually voilent from a low rumble until I can’t stand and I crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and count to ten.

It’s only in those times that it seems to still, yet it continues to turn. I look out my window and the birds are still flying, the sun is still shining, the wind is still blowing.

Everything continues as it should except me.

Kassy_Lu

I Hear You

I hear you speak, I just don’t want to listen. You have a knack for saying things that make sense when I don’t want sense. You tell me the truth that I don’t want to hear when I am here, blissfully oblivious. Why you gotta burst my bubble?

I hear you shuffle around me, silent yet not quiet, watching, trying to nudge me, rouse me into some motion. I hear you thinking, see the thoughts on your face, see you try to hide them.

I hear the things you don’t say when you don’t want to hurt me. I see you struggling beside me, fighting me with me, pushing me forward, cheering me on, calling me out, bringing me into me.

I feel you beside me, brave when I’m afraid, more daring, exploring avenues I’d never dare, facing fear head-on, unapologetic in who you are. I hear you and I’m glad you’re there. If you weren’t, the silence would consume me.

Kassy_Lu

A Song You Know By Heart

I like it when you sing. It’s something between the right notes and notes that are a semitone off . I never quite catch it when I try to play it. I like it because you enjoy it so much, you add lyrics that make no sense and drum rolls that really shouldn’t be there.

I like it because you sing when it’s just the two of us. Only I get to see this artistic side of yours, only I get to watch the show.

It’s funny too. Sometimes you go so off-key I can’t recognise the song you’re singing. You seem to think everything should have more to it even when it doesn’t need to.

I want to be that song. I want to be on your lips, pouring out like warm honey, soothing aching bones and sore limbs. I want to be who you summon when you’re sad, when the world makes no sense and music is your only solace. I want to be the reason you dance again, the reason your heart skips a beat and your stomach flatters. The one who puts the goosebumps on your skin.

I want to be the rest that accentuates your rhythm, the rest that creates the syncopation, the melody you can’t shake off, the harmony that fills your mind late at night.

I want to be the song you know by heart.

Kassy_Lu

Out of Focus

I’ve never been great at throwing things. I always did it with too much force in the wrong direction or too little force that never got the object where it was supposed to be. I took it as a sign to never take up sports.

Clearly my hand-eye coordination is pathetic so there’s a bunch of other things I had to scratch off the list. But I still like to fantasise about it.

I still like to imagine our moments together, you laughing at something ridiculous I said, me wishing I didn’t say it but happy that it got you to laugh. I still like to imagine you tolerating my lack of aim when you ask me to throw you something and then you shaking your head when I fail miserably.

I still think about you because there’s a lot of good associated with you and I don’t want to let that go yet. But everything is coming full force at me to pull all of that out of my hands. It’s all coming at me to bury you under layers and layers of time, but you were always like a light, piercing the dark even when you annoyed me.

My mind’s eye may be losing focus, but I’ll never forget the silhouette of you.

Kassy_Lu

Better Half

I’d like to use the cliche line that goes “you’re my better half”, but that wouldn’t be true.

Rather than two halves of a whole, I like to think of us as two different colours of paint that blend into one.

They can’t be separated. They’re not what they used to be, but what they are now wouldn’t be without what they used to be.

But I suppose I must try to equate your calm blue and my chaotic orange to some halves of an object, maybe a wishbone so we can have luck, or you being the top half of our hour glass, pouring into the bottom half that is my life.

I like having you around, and I like that you’re not a half. I like that you compliment me and I like that sometimes it makes no sense why we work.

Kassy_Lu

Inner Voices

I imagine it must be interesting to watch me from a distance when I’m seated by myself. Talking and listening to the voices in my head.

It’s just one voice really, with a bunch of different views and add-ons. You never answer when I ask you.

You seem to speak without speaking, a voice with no sound, just promptings towards something and I carry on this monologue that has no end and no purpose. Just me ranting about things that make no sense half the time.

I wonder, does it tire you? Or maybe it’s amusing. I like to think I’m funny so I hope you get in a good laugh or two regularly. I rarely say this but I have to hand it to you, you my friend are the real mvp.

Sorry that I don’t listen to you but you knew what you were signing up for when you agreed to be my Guardian Angel. You can’t undo that now, we’re stuck for life and you have to get me out of dicey situations because if I don’t put you there, who will?

I guess the point of this rant was to say that I hear your voice non-voice and I’m glad that it’s there. At least I know I’m still sane and there’s hope for me yet when I hear it.

Kassy_Lu

All the Reasons Why

The question that people always ask is why. Sometimes even when the question has no answer. Even when it has the stupidest answer.

When people ask me why I love you, I never know what to say. Why do I have to have a reason? Why can’t I just love some random person I met on the street just because?

I suppose they expect me to say I love you because you’re kind and generous, and you make me laugh. Or that I love you because you get me and I can be myself with you.

The answers that people want to hear are that I love you because you’re intelligent and sharp, you unapologetically you and you’re a total goof yet you’re the most serious person I know.

I guess all these answers would be the correct ones. But what if my answer is just that I love you because there’s love in my heart to give? That I love you even when you’re not loveable, even when I know that loving you will hurt me and take away from me till I have nothing left?

What if my answer is that I love you because you’re here now, in the radius of my love and are the lucky recipient?

What if I just love you because even if you’re not perfect, you’re worthy of love?

Kassy_Lu