Noisy

From the silence of a peaceful sleep, a rude awakening can cause a lot of noise in very silent ways. A rush of fear, a wave of confusion, a heart rate sent sky high, a jerking of the body, a quiet yet hefty sigh. Its like suddenly everything is silently screaming. The brain trying to figure out what’s going on, where it is, why that loud screeching noise was so sudden. The heart trying to catch up to the brain, breath coming in short and quick. It’s all very noisy.
The body doesn’t really settle back down for a while after that. It first has to establish that it is safe well before sleep can return. Losing you felt a little bit like that, except my body isn’t settling. Nothing is settling really, my mind is still out here, drawing pictures in my head bringing memories back to life. You know, all that stuff that it’s supposed to be over and done with by now. It gets pretty loud sometimes. Screaming possibilities in my ear but weirdly also encouraging me. It confuses me. I never really know what to do after the screaming battles.
But when the silence is gone it feels very empty. All the spaces taken up by the noise become free, allowing for the cycle to repeat. And again, the noisy affair begins.

Dru_Dru

Love Poem With Toast

I like my toast a little soft, not so crunchy. I can apply my cheese spread easier that way, and also, no one knows that I’m eating toast. I like it with scrambled eggs and some bacon. Usually at lunch time, accompanied by good conversation which has a lot of interruptions in it. So many that eventually we forget how we got lost in a maze of “the other day” and “one time, my mum said”.

Today, I’m having my toast alone, with jam and a cup of tea, reading something I’ve never read before. Never really expected it; not from you. A piece of paper, written in the most horrible hand I have ever seen, it’s even kind of hard to read. Tales and memories reminding me of all the things about myself that are beautiful. Traits I forgot I have and expressions I never realised I make. How I’m bubbly and also calm, and listen a little too much such that there’s no time left for me to say things sometimes. How my sticky notes fill up my walls with quotes that I sometimes forget to read and the spaces not covered are taken up by pictures. Reminders of how one time I sat down to grind salt and another time listened for hours to rants about things I already knew. Stories that made me laugh, and also a little sad, but mostly happy because you remember stuff that I have long forgotten.

I think I’m going to stick this super long poem next to my sticky notes. I’m not going to read it everyday, but maybe some day when I’m low I’ll remember it’s there and the tiny drops of tea on it will remind me that there was once a time I had a love poem as my companion while I had my toast, and it made me happy because even though I was alone, I wasn’t.

You should do this more often, but you’ve really got to improve your handwriting.

Dru_Dru

All Or Nothing

All. He gave me all: laughter, companionship, freedom, vision, hope, light, love… Life. He gave me scoldings and sometimes beatings, drilled discipline into me, welded tools to my hands and taped mantras onto my skull. He taught me to dance, to sway with the music and flow like water. He taught me to speak from a place where intellect sometimes tramped emotion and sometimes it did not. He took me to get my hair cut and didn’t show me a mirror afterwards, left me to imagine what I looked like, which often seemed to be that the barber made little maps on my scalp. He was there.

And in the times of nothing, He was still there. In the moments of desperation, bordering on despair, when the cold seemed so much more intense than it actually was, he was there. He smiled even when all I felt was anger at my losses and my utter stupidity and wanted to throw tantrums but could not even afford that. He withdrew from me when I needed it and I hated it. Even in nothing, he gave me everything.

There was no in between. It was all even when there was nothing.

Dru_Dru

Fast

I thought this phase would be one long gone and forgotten. Not something that would remind me every waking day of what I did or didn’t do. Got me here thinking what if and trying to calculate just how much I should have invested to get rewards that were a few percentages higher than I did. It felt like it was over. A long time passed and then it was like the time never passed at all. It was like all that had taken place was in the blink of an eye so even if I tried to forget it, it would be extremely fresh in my memory.

What I’m trying to say is that I miss you, but I’m not going to tell you that. I’m not going to call, not even going to stalk you. I’ll just wonder if everything is going okay, say a prayer or two for you and wish for your dreams to come true. I will send positive energy and hope you receive it, and maybe somewhere deep down, way deep inside of me, I’ll wish for you to have someone to share all your happiness with.

Maybe I was a little too hasty. I know I wasn’t, but what if I was? What if I had waited for just a minute longer, would it have made a difference? What if my fast had not been too fast? Do you ever wonder? Or is it just me?

Dru_Dru