Dress rehearsal

The sun shone brightly, illuminating his face, highlighting his dimples. It was as though he had been plucked out of a world where only perfection exists, a place where everything was so beautiful to look at it hurt the eyes. The sun shone almost as brightly as his smile.

She fumbled with herself trying to get her thoughts in order. She had her speech ready and had practiced it countless times in the mirror. She had tried on different clothes, different voices, different personalities but the fact was that she was shy and a little awkward and would probably mispronounce her words.

She moved forward anyway. Her legs wobbled when he looked over at her and she prayed she didn’t look like she was going to fall over. She was not sure that she would not fall over, but the constant movement forward somehow held her steady.

She spoke to him and he listened. He looked at her with interest and curiosity, and didn’t seem to mind when she lost her words, he lent her a few of them. She slapped herself mentally and also laughed. This was crazy. What was she doing?

She sighed and shook her head. One day, she would actually walk up to him, record all his flaws and not mind them. Deliver her speech with a little bit of confidence and convince him it was all just a smoothly occurring thing that she was talking to him and not something she had played over and over again in her head.

Dru_Dru

Brass Like Gold

I wonder if you think of me the way I think of you. If you stay up sometimes thinking about what we had and how we used to be. If you blame me for how things have turned out and if you wish things were different.

I blame you. I swing from sadness to anger and back to sadness often. I question why things turned out the way they did, why we couldn’t have been spared the pain. I blame you for putting an end to things, for placing the final nail in the coffin where our love lies. For burying it without telling me.

It haunts me, the love. Sometimes it sits with me in my silence and comforts me, at least I had someone to love me, I had happiness in you, I had a friend. Other times it taunts me reminding me of how suddenly I wasnt enough and the love was no longer flowing. In its place were excuses. Brilliant excuses.

Sometimes, the haunting love invades my sleep and for a few moments its mine. Full and rich, happy and worth fighting for. In those moments, the world is right again, everything is where it belongs. Until the bubble is burst by the bright light of the morning sun and the unfailing reminder of how things really are kicks in.

I made room for you. And now that you’re gone I don’t know what to do with it. Should I empty it out? Or give it to someone else? Or should I turn into an indoor garden or something? It was custom made for you, but since you’re not here, maybe its best to just break down the whole house.

Dru_Dru

Connect

I can feel your heart strings pull on mine. It’s a weak tag but it’s still there. It gives me the impression that you had a sit down with your heart and scolded it for being too attached to mine. And now it’s tagging at my strings to say a reluctant goodbye.

I don’t want you to go. But I can see it in your eyes that you’ve already left. You’ve gone even though pieces of you remain that you are yet to collect. You’ve gone and your heart drags behind you, kicking its feet and trying to slow your pace. I would ask you to stay but I don’t think you’ll hear me.

I don’t think you’ll hear me like you used to, interpreting my silences and connecting my unspoken words; understanding that the words I spoke meant more than what I said.

The pull of your heart strings weaken with every step you take. And even though I call your name and ask you to stay, you don’t look back. You just keep going, ignoring my voice.

Your heart gives one final tag. A small, almost imperceptible tag. A tag goodbye. I wave and watch you walk on. Watch you walk into a life without me. But I can’t seem to move. I don’t want to walk away even though you’re no longer here. I don’t want to let you go even if you’ve left me all to myself.

What do I do with myself now?

Dru_Dru

Watch

Your face used to light up when you saw me. Your eyes would shine and you would wink at me mischievously. It made me happy, made me feel special.

You would go on and on talking about music and cars and I’d listen even when I understood nothing. I love listening to your voice. I loved how passionately you spoke. I loved to hear the laugh in your voice.

I liked watching you when you slept. You always fell asleep eleven minutes into the movie and instead of watching it, I would watch you. I would watch the rise and fall of your chest and the quiver of your lip. You looked like you were about to say something, possibly tell me you were not asleep.

I watched you then and I was happy to see you happy. And I watch you now, sad to see you sad. Your smile no longer reaches your eyes and your shoulders droop. Your eyes don’t sparkle anymore and you don’t talk to me the way you used to.

I don’t know how to give you back the joy I took away, how to bring back the spring in your step or the laugh in your voice. I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know if it can be fixed.

I watch you from far away now, hoping the distance gives a little comfort, a little healing. I see you smile sometimes, but it’s never at or with me. It makes me happy to see you smile and if this distance is what it takes to make you happy again, then I’ll keep it.

I’ll keep watch here. I couldn’t be good to you up close, but I can be now from all the way here.

Dru_Dru