The world is constantly spinning, turning night into day and day into night. But lately it’s been shaking too, growing steadily, gradually voilent from a low rumble until I can’t stand and I crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and count to ten.
It’s only in those times that it seems to still, yet it continues to turn. I look out my window and the birds are still flying, the sun is still shining, the wind is still blowing.
Everything continues as it should except me.
Kassy_Lu
I’ve never been great at throwing things. I always did it with too much force in the wrong direction or too little force that never got the object where it was supposed to be. I took it as a sign to never take up sports.
Clearly my hand-eye coordination is pathetic so there’s a bunch of other things I had to scratch off the list. But I still like to fantasise about it.
I still like to imagine our moments together, you laughing at something ridiculous I said, me wishing I didn’t say it but happy that it got you to laugh. I still like to imagine you tolerating my lack of aim when you ask me to throw you something and then you shaking your head when I fail miserably.
I still think about you because there’s a lot of good associated with you and I don’t want to let that go yet. But everything is coming full force at me to pull all of that out of my hands. It’s all coming at me to bury you under layers and layers of time, but you were always like a light, piercing the dark even when you annoyed me.
My mind’s eye may be losing focus, but I’ll never forget the silhouette of you.
Kassy_Lu
There’s a constant ticking sound somewhere in my subconscious. I can’t hear it but it’s there and I know it’s there even when I don’t know that it’s there. It reminds me from time to time. Everyday, to be exact.
Every evening, after the sun has tucked itself in and the moon has woken up to bestow her beauty on the night, in the dark while I lay on my bed and will myself to sleep, that ticking turns into a chime. A reminder that the day is ending and there is something I’m missing.
It hasn’t been missing, I just haven’t acknowledged it. In my rebellion and, dare I say, pettiness, I choose to pretend that I don’t know He is there. I can feel Him watching me, waiting for me to give him a lick of attention, patiently waiting for me to get over myself. So much more patience than I have.
So, finally, I turn to Him and say hi and feel a sense of shame for being so self consumed. The chiming dampens down and is replaced with a silence that stretches into the night, satisfied that I have given in to what I have been avoiding all along.
The ticking resumes in its silence, some form of anchor and reassurance, to chime again tomorrow and remind me to get over myself.
Kas
The last time I wrote to you, I quit on you – and I was right to do so – but…
My world turned to grey when I turned by back on you. The birds didn’t sing anymore and the air was no longer crisp.
I got up every morning and went back to bed every evening with no sense of purpose. I found myself going down on my knees to call your name before I realised that I had shut you out. My laugh no longer held joy and my body just went through the motions.
I missed you.
You were right when You said I am not, without you. You’re always right, even though my self-righteous mind may call you unfair and refuse to worship you.
I have a hole in my soul that is shaped like you. You are the life in my breath and the light in my sun. You are the colours in my rainbow and the fresh in my air. You are the reason for my being and my being doesn’t like being without you.
So Dear God, will you have me back?
Kas
In the stillness of the night I lay awake in bed, staring into the darkness wondering why my sleep has left me.
My Guardian Angel and I exchange a look. He shrugs and I sigh. He’s supposed to have the answers but he refuses to speak.
Maybe I should pray? At this he nods. Oh, now you can speak. He gives me a sly smile but I know he’s right.
I should pray but where do I start from? Say hi and ask God how He is doing? Or just dive right into the turmoil that is the mess that I have created of my life.
Even as I fight this, I am restless and I know it’s because I keep running away and hiding in the dark.
But the dark isn’t dark enough.
Dru_Dru
I saw you laugh from all the way across the field because yes, I was watching you like some crazy person.
It reminded me of the sarcastic jokes you liked to make. I guess she makes you laugh, that’s good. I like seeing you laugh, I hope she does too.
I hope she tells you jokes that are so hilarious that she gets to hear your loud hearty laugh everyday.
Me? Don’t worry about me, just knowing you’re happy is enough.
Dru_Dru
I thought I saw you today. I was convinced it was you in a blue t-shirt and black jeans, walking into an antique shop. I walked past you but you didn’t seem to notice me. You smelt of wet soil and freshly cut grass and you looked like something was bothering you.
I lie. You looked really happy. You looked like you didn’t have a care in the world. I was just jealous that I wasn’t one of your cares. You looked like you could conquer the farthest lands and sail the widest seas.
I wanted to greet you but I was scared to take that look off your face. So I just watched you from behind the shelf while I pretended your presence didn’t bother me. I watched you till you disappeared.
And it was only then that I realised it wasn’t you. It was just my mind playing tricks on me.
Dru_Dru
Happy Valentine’s day. Well, it was happy once. I loved you, you know that? And seeing all these people with their gifts and mushy, romantic gestures makes me a little jealous.
That’s a lie, I’m so jealous I could trample their flowers in the mud. It makes me angry that this could have been us. We could have had a corny, cliche Valentine’s day. You would have got me flowers and chocolates and I would have written you a poem and made a scrap book.
I wrote the poem and made the scrap book but I can’t give it to you. I’m pretending I no longer love you so you won’t text me. So that I can stalk your socials and pretend I’m better off without you.
I’m not. I still look at your favourite chocolate bar in the shops and instantly get filled with longing. I would have gotten it for you today, and then I would have eaten half of it and you would have complained about it even though you didn’t mind.
This Valentine’s day sucks. You’re not my valentine and I don’t know what to do with all the love I still feel for you. Its starting to choke me.
Anyway, Happy Valentine’s day.
Dru_Dru
I’m missing you a little more than usual today. I get that sometimes. Days when I wake up and I have a strong desire to call you, but then I remember that we are not on talking terms anymore, and talking to you will open doors with skeletons I’m not willing to face yet, so I stop myself.
Other days when I wake up I don’t even think about you until the sun has made its journey well into the sky, sometimes even until it is about to wave goodbye for the day and something reminds me of you and I get that whistful feeling.
But most days, I wake up, touch my phone and go straight to your social media to see how you’re doing in the morning because I still care very much about you and I always want to make sure you got enough sleep so I check what time your latest post was.
I comb through your photos trying to get a glimpse of you, trying to figure out what’s going on with you, typing and deleting messages that I want to send and then finally forcing myself offline before I do something crazy like profess undying love.
The love is there and it is undying, but the profession of it would probably be a mistake. So I go about my business with thoughts of you floating around in my background, subtle and quiet, almost sneaky, but there still. And before I go to bed, I check your social media again and wish you a silent “goodnight”.
I guess all this directionless ranting was just to say that I’ve missed you and I wish we never got into this place to begin with.
Dru_Dru
If there were no rules, no limits, no questions, no regrets, I’d allow myself to love you. I’d allow myself to love you with a fiery love, an uncontrolled blaze that would spread like wildfire. I’d allow myself to say what comes to my mind, to tell you how you make me feel, to show you what I mean.
I’d allow myself to be loved by you. I’d let your words sink in; I’d allow myself to believe that my smile is really as bright as the sun and that my hands have power. I’d sit still and let you take care of me. I’d listen to your music, the melody of your voice, the rhythm in your words.
If all there was, was the now, I would want to live it with you, revelling in the wishy-washy movement of the wind as it blew past us, noting the pitter-patter of my heart as you put at arm around me while I anticipate the soft feel of lips against lips and the flutter of butterfly wings in my tummy. I would recall some seemingly unimportant detail about you like how you usually have little cuts on the backs of your hands but never in your palms.
If all there was, was living fearlessly, I’d choose living by you, viewing the world as you do, taking the best out of life and seeing each other through the worst . . .
But I’m scared.
Dru_Dru
Paperscripts Reflection 